My roommate and I were watching TLC's "Say Yes To The Dress" the other day, and a more than plump bride was trying on ill-fitting wedding dresses. At the end of the show, we got to see the couple walk down the aisle. And as happy as we were for them, we couldn't help but think that the groom settled.
After living in Provo and being a part of the love and wedding high's that seem to consume many students' minds, I think it's pretty safe to say that we all play some sort of judgmental game whenever a new couple emerges, "she's too pretty for him", "he's dumb", etc. And although that particular episode of SYTTD, the groom was clearly the better looking half, it is more often that the girl is the one settling. Gold-digger, paper chaser, desperate, getting past her prime years, are many of the excuses people give when they see girls dating guys that don't exactly fit the perfect picture. Yet, if a good looking guys is in a relationship with with a plain Jane, he's the Good Samaritan.
Here are my questions: What is the difference between men and women dating out of their league? And what is it that makes girls more prone to "settle" than guys?
14 comments:
I have definitely thought of this before because of conversations I have had with friends. Part of me totally thinks this is more of a Provo thing than anywhere else but here is my thought. I think girls are more willing to settle when it comes to looks because it isn't as high on our radar. Of course we want someone we are attracted too, but girls I think are a lot more willing to give it some time and get to know each other before they give someone the axe. I fully believe that people become more attractive (or less) as you get to know them. I think that for men, it is more of a deal breaker in the beginning. I think if a guy doesn't find a girl attractive in the beginning, he is more closed off to getting to know her in a romantic way and possibly finding her more attractive.
True women has always been more pressured to look good and to have all these qualities women are supposed to have like great at cooking. However, I think the media has a strong influence, but is because us women, we have created this competition where we always try to find something new a woman should have. What is considered pretty today is not what it was pretty 10 years ago plus beauty depends on the culture and what a person think is pretty.
What makes a person out of my league?
Is it because they have more money than I do? I'd argue how much money a person earns does not determine their value as a person.
Is it because they are smarter than I am? I'd argue the level of education or where a person got their education does not determine the worth of a person.
Is it because they are more beautiful than I am? I'd argue that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. True beauty is not skin deep. Looks last for so long and they can only take a person so far. What is inside of you truly determines the beauty of a person.
You fall in love with someone for their unique character and personality traits, not because they are rich, or smart, or beautiful. Whenever a person feels like the person they are dating or interested in is out of their league it is a self esteem issue. Or if a person makes a comment about the girl/guy being out of the guy/girl's league they are being judgmental. The belief that someone is "out of their league" is a fallacy evolved from society.
I'd tend to argue that the reason why women so often have to "settle" is because so few American men are encouraged to obtain their potential. But then I personally don't feel that outsiders ought to be judging other couples. There may be reasons why they are together that outsiders don't understand.
I believe that women totally more often then men settle with who they are dating. I don't know what it is and I feel like it is a constant theme in many of the conversations that I have with my friends, especially one who is always having trouble with girls. I am going to say things from his perspective just because it works here... Anyways he believes that women settle because it becomes convenient and because girls begin to realize that they will never find a guy that will have them check every box in on their list they made in YWs. This leads them to settle because they figure they have to settle in some places and when settling in one they settle in more. Sorry this may not make any sense...
That being said I think men have the problem with keeping their standards WAY too high and putting too much emphasis on attributes that they shouldn't. When they do this they have this HUGE expectation for women that they don't have for themselves.
I believe that women totally more often then men settle with who they are dating. I don't know what it is and I feel like it is a constant theme in many of the conversations that I have with my friends, especially one who is always having trouble with girls. I am going to say things from his perspective just because it works here... Anyways he believes that women settle because it becomes convenient and because girls begin to realize that they will never find a guy that will have them check every box in on their list they made in YWs. This leads them to settle because they figure they have to settle in some places and when settling in one they settle in more. Sorry this may not make any sense...
That being said I think men have the problem with keeping their standards WAY too high and putting too much emphasis on attributes that they shouldn't. When they do this they have this HUGE expectation for women that they don't have for themselves.
In my experience and from what I have observed Men and Women both date someone who in media standards is out of their league. However, i do notice the couple where the girl is clearly more attractive than the guy. In some cases some girls/guys don't really know how attractive they are or are really shy. In most cases when the one individual doesn't know he can do better it seems that he is settling and that only because he feels he cant get the "prom queen" so he settles for the "head of the decorating committee.
Girls are more prone to settle than guys because girls are able to see past the looks. A close friend whose a little on the heavy set side wont date a girl of the same caliber because he says that they are too fat. In my opinion if hes going after the top model he needs to shape up because Angelina is not going for the Mall Cop when she can have Brad Pitt.
I have a sister who is in her late 20's and I have to say that I have thought on occasion " if only you would lower your standers a little you could get married". horrible thought I know. I think the reason girls are portrayed as settling ESPECIALLY when it is later in life is because many women feel the need to marry sooner. A guy in his late 20's might just be getting started but a girl rounding into 30 just needs to find someone already.
I think a lot of it has to do with the role we put ourselves in at that time in life.
I hate to admit that I have made comments about one person in a couple being "too good" for the other. But I don" think that anyone can really determine what is too good, even if they know both people pretty well. The difference between men and women dating out of their league could be the reasons why they are said to be out of the league. For women, they may be considered too pretty for their boyfriend/husband, while men may more frequently be said to be too nice. I think that women as a whole are more willing to look past appearance, while men focus more on physical attraction. This generalization definitely has exceptions, not all men are shallow and not all women date guys because of their great personality. I think our society is more aware of this "dating in your league" phenomenon than we may think. For example, I would think almost everyone has thought something like "what will other people think when they see me with this guy/girl" before going on a date.
Things that can put people in different "leagues" I would say are more than looks, a lot of factors like income level, occupation, health, etc. Looks do play a big part though. I think girls seem to settle more because the culture chasing an unmarried women is far more negative than the connotations following an unmarried man.
Dan Johns...
I personally, don't subscribe to the idea of somebody being out of one's league. Your league is, in large part, determined by the individual. And is only a measure, in part, of physical appearance. Personality, sense of humor, intellect, interests, goals and aspirations all play a part as well. So I think, from that perspective, it's hard to look at a relationship that we are not intimately familiar with and determine that he/she is out of his/her league. Just my opinion, but I don't follow this.
I don't know if this is necessarily true. I think that there are many men that end up with some girls that deserve to be treated better. I think that as we look around and view it that way, it may not necessarily be like that. Those women who look to have "settled", may not feel that way and that is what is most important. As long as both spouses feel that they got the better end of the deal, then it doesn't matter. It is easy to judge based on the physical attractiveness of the person, but what about who they are on the inside? I think that if their marriage is great, then most women don't feel that they settled.
I think one of the main reasons why men don't "settle" as much as women (whatever that means) is that men are expected to act more rationally than women. For a woman it is totally ok to fall in love based solely on emotion and to overlook certain qualities, whereas men are expected to date looking for certain qualities and not let their emotions get too involved, especially at the beginning.
I know we all think like that, but I totally hate it when we do think like that. To say people are dating out of somebody's league is like the saddest thing to hear. However, I guess there are leagues that society has created for our superficial minds. The reason I believe that "women are more prone to settle than men" is because society does not judge men strictly on looks. So the true factors like; education, creativity, personality, success, compassion etc, cannot cannot be seen by outward appearance. So we believe women settle by quick glances and fast judgments. We see a beautiful girl with an ugly boy and we think settle. However, that beautiful girl is obviously with him for all those other factors we cannot see.
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